Category Archives: Found on the Internet

The Onion and their asshattery.

“Congress will now vote for approval of HR8791, the “Homeland Terrorism Preparedness Bill.” Said bill requests emergency response funding, up to and including — ah… I’m sorry this section is classified — ah, dollars to prepare for a national level terrorist attack and or attacks from … [CLASSIFIED]. Funding for first responder personnel and vehicles would be doubled if said attack leads to more than eighty percent of national population being effected by [CLASSIFIED].

This funding shall convene in conjunction with the first attack on [CLASSIFIED], or the first large scale outbreak of [CLASSIFIED], dependent upon which comes first.

Civilian and military units shall be trained in containment and combat of [CLASSIFIED] including irradiated [CLASSIFIED] with possibility of [CLASSIFIED] airborne [CLASSIFIED], [CLASSIFIED] flesh-eating, [CLASSIFIED] and or all of the above in such event as [CLASSIFIED] spewing [CLASSIFIED] escape are released or otherwise become uncontrollable.

Air Force units may also be directed to combat said -pause- [CLASSIFIED] due to their enormous size and other-worldly strengths. Should event occur in urban areas … Jesus … – long pause – ah … that’s classified… far surpassing our darkest nightmares. Should casualties exceed [CLASSIFIED] body disposal actions shall be halted and associated resources shall be reallocated through [CLASSIFIED] underground [CLASSIFIED] protected birthing centers. -ah- New Bill of Rights shall drafted and approved by [CLASSIFIED].”


Everybody loves a magic trick.

Here’s the problem I have with anybody trying to or thinking they do- love me.
I’m a sociopath. Everybody loves a sociopath. Whether they know they love a sociopath or not.
It’s the nature of the disorder.
I’m gonna charm your pants off and make you swoon and captivate you with my humor and taste and wit and cleverness. I’m the bait nobody can resist whether they like it or not.
Even if I don’t try to be. Even if I never meant to be. Or didn’t want to be. Will is no matter for me.
It always happens.
That’s why it upsets me when people say “You could have anybody you wanted.” As if it were a compliment.
It’s not a compliment.
It makes me want to lock myself in one solitary room for the rest of my life, and I think we all know that that is the last thing I could take.
People just think I’m being modest. Just pretending like I’m not worth their compliments.
But I’m really not. Nobody should want to love me.
I feel like I’m some fucking magic trick that knows it’s the best, most illusive magic trick there is, one with a deadly ending, that can’t escape it’s fate, but still nobody can resist.
That tries to warn its victims. Tries to save them before it’s too late.
But it never works.
And nobody ever listens.
Because everybody loves a magic trick.