I’ve been grossly neglecting my blog lately. Some of that has to do with revisiting the content of my postings and discovering that maybe I don’t want to share everything with the unknown universe. I’ve been considering what I post a lot more closely now before I write anything. The written word is dangerous and powerful and previously I’ve tossed it around like confetti without realizing that each letter was as deadly as a throwing knife.
So, for awhile now, I’ve taken to written writing. That phrase just sounds like a paradox of things, but I do find pen and ink soothing.
In yesterdays, I may have found that writing suitable to share with you, dear reader, but no more. Some things are better kept to the self. It’s definitely damaged my writing, however. Long handed inking takes time and patience that I do not generally have. The result of all this is that I’ve not been so mindful about writing at all.
As an aspiring novelist, that has set my career back God only knows how much time. I’ve decided that I won’t lose precious moments like that anymore. Despite the pain in my wrist and an unsettling case of writer’s block.
I’ve decided to try something new. I’m calling it my “letter a day campaign” and my hope is that it’ll bring back my muse as well as provide some much needed self-reflection.
The art of handwritten letters died out so long ago. It’s been replaced by e-mail and text messaging; things so impersonal, but also so convenient that we’ve forgotten what it’s like to exchange letters. The anticipation of knowing that you’ve dropped your deepest thoughts off into the post box for another to read and respond is incomparable to the moments spent waiting for an e-mail that doesn’t take the consideration or thought of written word.
Some of this doesn’t apply to my campaign. The purpose of the “letter a day campaign” isn’t to write letters to others, though I hope to branch out into that. The first … phase … for lack of better terminology, is to write myself a letter every day and seal it. I’ll open it a year to the date later. It’s about self-reflection and understanding.
365 letters. The campaign begins today.
This afternoon was made for sitting outside under the sunshine and discovering some new music via Pandora. The weather today is an absolutely perfect combination of hot summer and cool spring breeze that have blended together here in central Texas to formulate the perfect March afternoon. I can only hope the weekend is exactly like this.
…you realize that your blog is on the world wide web and the professional world (your boss included) is reading or has read every stupid thing you’ve ever posted. And then you have to explain that you’re an idiot who does dumb and embarrassing things for dumb and embarrassing reasons.
At least he thinks I’m a good writer…
Here’s the problem I have with anybody trying to or thinking they do- love me.
I’m a sociopath. Everybody loves a sociopath. Whether they know they love a sociopath or not.
It’s the nature of the disorder.
I’m gonna charm your pants off and make you swoon and captivate you with my humor and taste and wit and cleverness. I’m the bait nobody can resist whether they like it or not.
Even if I don’t try to be. Even if I never meant to be. Or didn’t want to be. Will is no matter for me.
It always happens.
That’s why it upsets me when people say “You could have anybody you wanted.” As if it were a compliment.
It’s not a compliment.
It makes me want to lock myself in one solitary room for the rest of my life, and I think we all know that that is the last thing I could take.
People just think I’m being modest. Just pretending like I’m not worth their compliments.
But I’m really not. Nobody should want to love me.
I feel like I’m some fucking magic trick that knows it’s the best, most illusive magic trick there is, one with a deadly ending, that can’t escape it’s fate, but still nobody can resist.
That tries to warn its victims. Tries to save them before it’s too late.
But it never works.
And nobody ever listens.
Because everybody loves a magic trick.
I can’t tell you what today will bring. So, take every chance you’re given just in case you don’t have tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to depend on. Forget that your fears and how you can’t and why you won’t. Tomorrow may never come. So, do it now. Do it today. And don’t, by any means, be afraid.