Life Lessons

Life Lesson Number 1: You will never know what it’s like to be a slice of cheese.

Life Lesson Number 2: If someone pulls a knife on you at a bar, never say, “Well, it looks dull to me.”
Life Lesson Number 3: Never carry a live cat and hot coffee at the same time.
Life Lesson Number 4: Before you make fun of the crest on a man’s jacket, make sure it’s not for his dojo.
Life Lesson Number 5: Never wrestle with a pig because you both get dirty and one of you likes it.
Life Lesson Number 6: Be wary the man who shakes your hand while remaining in his seat.
Life Lesson Number 7: Nuclear weapons can wipe out all life on earth, if used properly.
Life Lesson Number 8: Never eat breakfast at a place with a neon beer sign in the window.
Life Lesson Number 9: Three things you can’t change: the weather, your past, and other people.
Life Lesson Number 10: The more fancy a man’s signature, the more he has to hide.
Life Lesson Number 11: No matter where you go, it’s the same shit.
Life Lesson Number 12: People who live in glass houses watch 65 percent less porn.
Life Lesson Number 13: There will always be that one person that you just wanna punch.
Life Lesson Number 14: The phrase “assume the position” should be avoided on the first date.
Life Lesson Number 15: Laser pointers are great.
Life Lesson Number 16: If you can hear music through the headphones of the person sitting next to you, it will never be a song you like.
Life Lesson Number 17: Even when someone spends just a short time in your life, they still leave a mark that you’ll never be able to erase.
Life Lesson Number 18: Never outdress your boss, unless you expect to have his job shortly.
Life Lesson Number 19: Always carry a permanent marker in case you need to draw a penis on someone’s face while they are asleep.
Life Lesson Number 20: Do not antagonize a man with an eye patch.
Life Lesson Number 21: When you’re shipping people away make sure you don’t miss any.
Life Lesson Number 22: The good news – You are operating at only a fraction of your potential.
Life Lesson Number 23: You’re in more trouble than you originally bargained for when describing exactly what you’re looking for in a relationship/significant other and halfway through this explanation you discover that you’re describing someone you already know.
Life Lesson Number 24: The best breakfast places close at 3:00 P.M.
Life Lesson Number 25: Sometimes the temptation to do what you shouldn’t is so great and that’s exactly why you do.
Life Lesson Number 26: Never trust a man with pictures of balloons on his checks.
Life Lesson Number 27: When giving instructions always be specific. Some people have an odd way of interpreting what you just told them.
Life Lesson Number 28: Your wife is pregnant, not “preggers” or “pregs.”
Life Lesson Number 29: Late night realizations are usually the last thing you wanted to realize and the hardest thing to ignore.
Life Lesson Number 30: If there is danger involved, it is fun.
Life Lesson Number 31: Flat out denial usually works.
Life Lesson Number 32: The lower a waiter bends down when introducing himself, the less he should be trusted.
Life Lesson Number 33: This is life, it’s not supposed to make sense.
Life Lesson Number 34: Anyone who shares a name with a celebrity has had that coincidence pointed out before you came along.
Life Lesson Number 35: Degree or no degree, some people shouldn’t be called Doctor.
Life Lesson Number 36: Never introduce yourself in a restroom.
Life Lesson Number 37: You can’t ship it back if we move to Idaho.
Life Lesson Number 38: Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is.
Life Lesson Number 39: There should be an island that we can ship stupid people to and when it’s full we drop a bomb on it and start over.
Life Lesson Number 40: Despite its domestication, the ferret remains wildly mysterious.
Life Lesson Number 41: Even the people you hate can sometimes say something great.
Life Lesson Number 42: If your dream involves an elaborate scheme to urinate, get up and take a pee.
Life Lesson Number 43: You are not legally allowed to make your own road signs.
Life Lesson Number 44: More sleep.
Life Lesson Number 45: There’ll come a time when you find that you’re falling in love before you realized what going on. You’ll be the last person to know and you can’t stop it. You can most certainly deny it.
Life Lesson Number 46: Your barber should always be older than you. Unless you’re really, really old.
Life Lesson Number 47: It’s always good to get the last haha.
Life Lesson Number 48: Only after the host has removed his jacket or tie can you follow suit.
Life Lesson Number 49: When in doubt, kill it with fire.
Life Lesson Number 50: Beer is food. Wine accompanies food. Cocktails demand food.
Life Lesson Number 51: Angry things should not have claws.
Life Lesson Number 52: Denial is good, right up there with bribery.
Life Lesson Number 53: If you’re being highly offensive and cheerful about it then it must be Tuesday.
Life Lesson Number 54: Never trust a man in leather trousers without a motorcycle.
Life Lesson Number 55: The short form of something should never be more complicated than the long form.
Life Lesson Number 56: If a girl breaks up with you because you call her crazy, you were probably right in the first place.
Life Lesson Number 57: Mixed signals make like both frustrating and fascinating at the same time.
Life Lesson Number 58: If the bar’s name ends in z, any relationship initiated there will not last. Including the relationship with the bar.
Life Lesson Number 59: Some people are so polite that they’ll bring you a chair even when you don’t need it.
Life Lesson Number 60: Partner is a noun, not a verb.
Life Lesson Number 61: Every now and then you’ll meet someone who constantly fascinates you. Keep this person around.
Life Lesson Number 62: If you’re in a strip club and a girl says she’s gonna call the manager over, your night just got less fun.
Life Lesson Number 63: On UnHappy Vulgar Tuesday, “you’re a cunt” is an acceptable way to greet new people.
Life Lesson Number 64: If you post a personal ad and your photo features “the shocker”, you deserve the responses you’ll get.
Life Lesson Number 65: Love your enemies, it pisses them off.
Life Lesson Number 66: Never get drunk before your boss does. Never get drunk before your assistant does. Remember this at the company holiday party.
Life Lesson Number 67: Learn the words to “Lean on me.”
Life Lesson Number 68: If you feel uncomfortable, you look uncomfortable.
Life Lesson Number 69: Some things in life are defective and you’re just going to have to accept that.
Life Lesson Number 70: Newborn babies should be cleaned before being captured on film.
Life Lesson Number 71: Celebrate your own made up holidays. You’ll enjoy yourself and confuse people at the same time.
Life Lesson Number 72: Avoid any sushi restaurant with dead plants in the waiting area.
Life Lesson Number 73: Numbers are our greatest enemies.
Life Lesson Number 74: The last slice of pie is the tastiest.
Life Lesson Number 75: This space is for rent.
Life Lesson Number 76: On your second trip to the same place, do not recreate with the new girl a photo you took of the old one.
Life Lesson Number 77: Some people shouldn’t write their own Christmas carols.
Life Lesson Number 78: Avoid any stripper or prostitute named after a domestic car.
Life Lesson Number 79: When it starts out bad it’s probably going to get way worse before it even looks like it might get better.
Life Lesson Number 80: Sliding a beer down the length of the bar is not as easy as it looks.
Life Lesson Number 81: There will be days in your life that make you appreciate alcoholism.
Life Lesson Number 82: Bottles don’t break over people’s heads like they do in the movies.
Life Lesson Number 83: We are the people your parents warned you about.
Life Lesson Number 84: Unless you want to kill someone, never throw a punch with a beer mug.
Life Lesson Number 85: The solution to most of your problems is throw a bigger rock. By rock I of course meant bomb.
Life Lesson Number 86: When drinking with a man: darts. When drinking with a woman: pool.
Life Lesson Number 87: Face palm, when words cannot begin to express how you really feel.
Life Lesson Number 88: When someone sneezes four times in rapid-fire succession, one ”bless you” will suffice.
Life Lesson Number 89: Women are the most complex creatures known to man and are not to be taken lightly.
Life Lesson Number 90: You gotta know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em and when to stop quoting Kenny Rogers during poker games.
Life Lesson Number 91: Just when you think you’ve got someone or something figured out, something happens and you have to start all over from the beginning.
Life Lesson Number 92: After your fifth divorce, you gotta start wondering if maybe it’s you.
Life Lesson Number 93: Never trust a man who uses “bloody” and “fucking” as adjectives for the same noun.
Life Lesson Number 94: You are twice as likely to get lost using GPS as you are with a paper map.
Life Lesson Number 95: All electronic devices and vehicles are female.
Life Lesson Number 96: All bottled water comes from a faucet in Richmond.
Life Lesson Number 97: The sound of a lawn mower when you’re trying to write a research paper is on the top ten list of the most annoying sounds in the world.
Life Lesson Number 98: In real life, personal robots are more annoying than helpful.
Life Lesson Number 99: Never forget to check interdimensional space. You never know.
Life Lesson Number 100: The best time to be at a bar is 7:30 P.M. on a rainy Thursday evening.
Life Lesson Number 101: Cherry pickers are the most dangerous force known to glass windows and man, aside from weasels, and should be tipped over.
Life Lesson Number 102: A man’s dog should be no smaller than his briefcase.
Life Lesson Number 103: Shit happens. Mostly to me, so no worries.
Life Lesson Number 104: Asking your date if you can come up “just to use your bathroom” is the Hail Mary pass of romantic moves.
Life Lesson Number 105: Sometimes people are right and you really don’t want them to be. Punch these people in the face.
Life Lesson Number 106: Wire hangers should be used only for breaking into cars.
Life Lesson Number 107: It’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you.
Life Lesson Number 108: Mail with windows is never good.
Life Lesson Number 109: Welcome to the real world. It sucks here too.
Life Lesson Number 110: You’re officially too old to order any drink that requires licking salt off another human being.
Life Lesson Number 111: From time to time you should play by your own rules and see to it that no one else gets a copy.
Life Lesson Number 112: Breakfast always tastes better in the country.
Life Lesson Number 113: Mechanical pencils have a mind of their own.
Life Lesson Number 114: Digital photographs involving nudity should be enjoyed and then immediately deleted.
Life Lesson Number 115: Sometimes you’re just too tired to care and not employed to deal with that type of problem.
Life Lesson Number 116: Sharing your ChapStick with a beautiful woman is not the same as making out with her. But it is pretty damn close.
Life Lesson Number 117: A marine’s greatest weakness is cookies. A bear’s greatest weakness is Ham. Keep a lot of both on hand, just in case.
Life Lesson Number 118: Only the very rich can use summer and winter as verbs.
Life Lesson Number 119: Nothing makes you sadder than a window that won’t open when you have to pee and are feeling like an asshole.
Life Lesson Number 120: If you actually stop and think about it, few things are cooler than dinosaurs.
Life Lesson Number 121: If it beeps when it backs up then get the fuck out of it’s way.
Life Lesson Number 122: Describing a cut of meat on an animal by pointing to the equivalent muscle on your own body is totally unappetizing.
Life Lesson Number 123: Wonder bras can be a wonderful thing.
Life Lesson Number 124: Nothing says “I was speeding” more clearly than driving past a cop at 10 under the speed limit.
Life Lesson Number 125: There should be a weight limit on thongs, white pants, and sun dresses.
Life Lesson Number 126: A Happy Hour that turns into a Happy Night does not equal a Happy Morning.
Life Lesson Number 127: If it’s not keeping you up nights then it’s not worth it.
Life Lesson Number 128: No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase “Yeah, right” without sounding sarcastic.
Life Lesson Number 129: When unsure of your surrounding, assume that you’re surrounded by idiots.
Life Lesson Number 130: Men will travel for sex.
Life Lesson Number 131: When you are on a roller coaster and you discover your safety restraints have ceased to function, screaming is redundant.
Life Lesson Number 132: Talk half as much as you listen.
Life Lesson Number 133: Everyone should have an inappropriate nickname, it makes public conversations all the more fun.
Life Lesson Number 134: Compulsively clicking “refresh” will not make people e-mail you.
Life Lesson Number 135: There is nothing quite as amazing, or a person who rocks so very hard, as someone who makes high school kids write 100 times “I am indeed too fat to crawl through spaces designed for cockroaches.”
Life Lesson Number 136: Walking up to a bar is like closing your menu: Only do it when you are ready to order.
Life Lesson Number 137: Eventually life teaches you to hate everything and then you die. That’s the big fucking secret.
Life Lesson Number 138: You should never have to make a reservation to drink at a bar.
Life Lesson Number 139: When in doubt the answer is always no.
Life Lesson Number 140: Nobody’s perfect :)
Life Lesson Number 141: If anyone suggest that you should “just take your happy ass right over there” and do something, don’t. It’s a bad idea.
Life Lesson Number 142: If an artist decides to stage dive near you, stop twittering or taking pictures and catch him before he face plants.
Life Lesson Number 143: Nothing makes you hate life quite like taking a foreign language.
Life Lesson Number 144: Your tolerance for alcohol does not increase just because it is free.
Life Lesson Number 145: Every Tuesday is unHappy vulgar Tuesday. Mark your calendar, you asshole.
Life Lesson Number 146: When you die, they will find your porn.
Life Lesson Number 147: Don’t volunteer for anything that happens after midnight or at the “ass crack of dawn.”
Life Lesson Number 148: Women named after a month of the year are unusually frisky.
Life Lesson Number 149: When you’re a hammer everything starts to look like a nail. Put the hammer down before you get hurt.
Life Lesson Number 150: There are songs for which singing harmony is not appropriate. One of these songs is “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”
Life Lesson Number 151: You cannot “accidentally” launch a nuclear missile at someone and “I’m sorry” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Life Lesson Number 152: On every remote control, there is a button whose function is now and forever will be a mystery.
Life Lesson Number 153: If your computer has Windows Vista on it, no matter how pretty the toolbar is, you should have went with Linux.
Life Lesson Number 154: When at sea, never question the authority of the man in the hat.
Life Lesson Number 155: The right glare can do wonders for someone’s attitude problem.
Life Lesson Number 156: Tell ‘em what you’re going to tell ‘em, tell ‘em, and tell ‘em what you told ‘em.
Life Lesson Number 157: Sometimes conversations that you didn’t meant to overhear are the most amusing thing that you’ll hear all day.
Life Lesson Number 158: “Hey, stranger” doesn’t work on actual strangers.
Life Lesson Number 159: The worst place to look at porn is in a public library.
Life Lesson Number 160: Never trust a man who calls the bathroom “the little boys’ room.”
Life Lesson Number 161: There are people in your life right now that you will never forget. This might not be a good thing.
Life Lesson Number 162: Go ahead and order the pitcher.
Life Lesson Number 163: Never let yourself become completely comfortable, that’s when everything falls apart.
Life Lesson Number 164: Always keep your receipt from RadioShack.
Life Lesson Number 165: No matter the situation Murphy’s law always applies.
Life Lesson Number 166: Unemployed men who dress as if they’re unemployed tend to stay unemployed.
Life Lesson Number 167: The best laid plans sometimes suck.
Life Lesson Number 168: Avoid any doctor whose middle name appears in quotes.
Life Lesson Number 169: An alcoholic is anyone who drinks more than you do.
Life Lesson Number 170: Never order a drink whose name includes a part of the anatomy normally covered by underwear.
Life Lesson Number 171: Sometimes too much to drink still isn’t enough.
Life Lesson Number 172: Just because the bottle says Bath & Body Works for Men doesn’t make it right.
Life Lesson Number 173: Tuesday is vulgar day. Plan accordingly or shut the fuck up.
Life Lesson Number 174: There is a difference between water-resistant and waterproof. This is usually learned the hard way.
Life Lesson Number 175: The English language is full of funny words.
Life Lesson Number 176: Two percent milk is bullshit.
Life Lesson Number 177: It’s a proven fact that beautiful women feel safer at night if they sleep with a Criminal Justice major.
Life Lesson Number 178: Nothing good can come from arguing with an old woman.
Life Lesson Number 179: Coupons are not always a good thing. What if you were mailed a coupon good for one free assraping?
Life Lesson Number 180: If you’re making a sign to be held up at a sporting event, it doesn’t hurt to use a dictionary.
Life Lesson Number 181: The reason that we are given siblings in the first place is to remind us just how dangerous someone who knows too much can be.
Life Lesson Number 182: The last whiskey never ends up doing what you want it to.
Life Lesson Number 183: Bears do not speak Russian, in fact bears do not do much speaking at all. They do however understand the mysterious unspoken language of Ham. You should become fluent.
Life Lesson Number 184: Never trust a man with two first names.
Life Lesson Number 185: Nearly every word in the English language is relative to the speaker or the situation at hand.
Life Lesson Number 186: If you end a professional call with “Peace,” you’ve negated everything that came before.
Life Lesson Number 187: Most people do not consider dawn an attractive experience unless they are already up.
Life Lesson Number 188: If speaking to an artist or writer concerning his or her work, be as vague as possible.
Life Lesson Number 189: If there’s something you want to know, then you should just ask. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Life Lesson Number 190: After three drinks, before you yell, throw, or type anything, stop for a few seconds and think about what you’re up to.
Life Lesson Number 191: Sometimes writing angry letters that you know you’ll never send is the best therapy.
Life Lesson Number 192: Never mind what time it is, never pose for a “zany” snapshot squatting over Old Faithful.
Life Lesson Number 193: The only key in which banjo music can be played is slow death caused by bleeding from the ears flat.
Life Lesson Number 194: At a dive, when you leave a booth or table, return your empties to the bar.
Life Lesson Number 195: Your best friend is someone with whom you can communicate completely through looks and vulgar hand gestures.
Life Lesson Number 196: Using a wide-angle lens at close range makes for the best party photography.
Life Lesson Number 197: Sometimes you really just need to say what everyone else in the room is thinking.
Life Lesson Number 198: Three out of every four short-order cooks have served jail time.
Life Lesson Number 199: When speaking possibly offensive phrases with your headphones on, your voice is twice as loud at you think it is.
Life Lesson Number 200: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll spend the next five hours untangling his line.
Life Lesson Number 201: Banjo music is the basis of normally calm people becoming wild rabid monkeys.
Life Lesson Number 202: The words dirt cheap and sushi do not belong in the same sentence – unless that sentence also includes intestinal parasite.
Life Lesson Number 203: Do not set you yourself on fire, that’s just silly.
Life Lesson Number 204: If you can’t make it good, make it big. And if you can’t make it big, make it red.
Life Lesson Number 205: Coffee houses have the most interesting decor.
Life Lesson Number 206: No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you’re looking at her breasts.
Life Lesson Number 207: Never do yourself what you can convince someone else to do for you.
Life Lesson Number 208: Be wary of the white Chevy Caprice that obeys all traffic laws.
Life Lesson Number 209: Shotguns are handy when you need three hundred people’s attention all at once.
Life Lesson Number 210: No matter your age, “free pizza” is a great incentive to do almost anything.
Life Lesson Number 211: Classrooms are still the best place to acquire all that knowledge you’ll never need.
Life Lesson Number 212: Before you spit or pee in an outdoor setting, you’d be wise to take note of which way the wind blows
Life Lesson Number 213: Strawberry cake is the best bait no matter what it is that you’re hunting.
Life Lesson Number 214: The allure of strip clubs drops dramatically when your girlfriend works in one.
Life Lesson Number 215: From time to time you should answer your phone with “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!” You’ll be surprised what people will tell you.
Life Lesson Number 216: Never trust a man named after a body part.
Life Lesson Number 217: When in Asia..never mind you’re already fucked. Carry on.
Life Lesson Number 218: There is no shame in cinnamon toast.
Life Lesson Number 219: There’s a reason they call it Hooters and not Personalities.
Life Lesson Number 220: It is unnecessary to compound the effect of white shoes by wearing a white belt.
Life Lesson Number 221: If saying someone’s name make you sicker than a priest saying fuck in church, kill them.
Life Lesson Number 222: No talking at the urinal.
Life Lesson Number 223: Always carry a camera because you never know when you might need it.
Life Lesson Number 224: There is nothing funnier than cussing puppets.
Life Lesson Number 225: Most of these rules are very bad advice, but should be applied at least once. If you don’t get arrested or die it’ll be really funny.
Life Lesson Number 226: It is always better to be slightly overdressed than slightly underdressed.
Life Lesson Number 227: From time to time you should make radical assumptions of people. This makes for great inside jokes, senseless nicknames, and a quick painless death when they find out.
Life Lesson Number 228: Never trust a courier who is studying a street map, especially if it’s not of the right city.
Life Lesson Number 229: If you’re already in trouble then you might as well make it worse. You were going to jail anyway, right?
Life Lesson Number 230: A sandwich tastes exactly one third better when it’s made by someone else.
Life Lesson Number 231: If the majority of your driving experience comes from Mario Kart..please return your driver’s license to the DMV (*Note: This also applies if you received you license in VA or PA, thanks.)
Life Lesson Number 232: Horizontal stripes on your boxers will not make your penis appear larger.
Life Lesson Number 233: Sometimes the most simple logic can make you really sad.
Life Lesson Number 234: A tattoo of a teardrop is not a sign of sensitivity.
Life Lesson Number 235: Everyone should like Mudkip, at least once in your life.
Life Lesson Number 236: There’s no need to thank someone for a thank-you card.
Life Lesson Number 237: “Hey bitch, I was talking..” is not a good way to make new friends at the mall.
Life Lesson Number 238: There is ample shame in eating a Lean Cuisine entree at home, alone, pantless, while watching television.
Life Lesson Number 239: If a woman has fangs and worships Satan you probably shouldn’t go home with her. It’ll be real fun until you discover you’re a ritual sacrifice.
Life Lesson Number 240: Babies are just as cute in bars. It’s their parents who seem different.
Life Lesson Number 241: You should never ritually sacrifice goats or puppies..small children are okay.
Life Lesson Number 242: It is more fun if it requires you to sign a waiver.
Life Lesson Number 243: You can write anything you want to the tune of Jingle Bells.
Life Lesson Number 244: There is no reason a couple should share one e-mail account.
Life Lesson Number 245: Crack whores are people too.
Life Lesson Number 246: If your lawyer’s e-mail address ends in hotmail.com, gmail.com, or yahoo.com, find a new lawyer.
Life Lesson Number 247: There really is nothing on the fourth floor.
Life Lesson Number 248: The proper order for undressing before a lady: jacket, tie, shoes, socks, shirt, trousers, underwear. Deviate at your own peril
Life Lesson Number 249: Look around. There’s something seriously wrong here.
Life Lesson Number 250: Never mess with anyone sporting a tattoo on their neck.
Life Lesson Number 251: When captured by the enemy you are required to supply them with no information beyond your name, rank, and favorite breakfast cereal.
Life Lesson Number 252: Never do anything that you’d be embarrassed explaining to a Grand Jury.
Life Lesson Number 253: Feet are musical.
Life Lesson Number 254: Match all of your hardware: watch, belt, cuff links.
Life Lesson Number 255: Furries are the scariest force known to man, aside from weasels, and should be set on fire.
Life Lesson Number 256: Avoid rhyming sexual innuendos such as “urge to merge.”
Life Lesson Number 257: If you’re walking around your house half naked make sure that your roommates are, in fact, gone.
Life Lesson Number 258: The least helpful clothing-care instructions are the ironing suggestions on underwear.
Life Lesson Number 259: If you respond to a nickname that you’ve had for a few months more quickly than you respond to the name that you were given twenty-one years ago something is very wrong.
Life Lesson Number 260: Unbuttoning the buttons on your sleeve only proves you’re a show-off.
Life Lesson Number 261: You shouldn’t run over a hornet’s nest with a lawn mower.
Life Lesson Number 262: Never argue religion or politics with the intoxicated.
Life Lesson Number 263: If you’re telling a story about a group of people and you use “me” to refer to more than one person who is you then you probably have a personality disorder. The same also applies if you say hi to the same person more than once and are actually talking to yourself.
Life Lesson Number 264: The only things stupider than the names of hair salons are the names people give their boats.
Life Lesson Number 265: Clouds can predict the future and what they have to show you might just piss you off.
Life Lesson Number 266: Jokes are tools, not toys. Use them sparingly and strategically, to lighten a tense mood or defuse a gathering conflict.
Life Lesson Number 267: Eventually the sun always rises.
Life Lesson Number 268: Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
Life Lesson Number 269: You cannot sit in front of the English building drinking beer, it’s rude.
Life Lesson Number 270: There is no shame in the peanut-butter sandwich.
Life Lesson Number 271: Even if the hot blonde working in Victoria’s Secret agrees to model panties for you her manager is still going to ask you to leave.
Life Lesson Number 272: There is a distinct difference between the way you jumped rope in grade school and the way you should do it at the gym.
Life Lesson Number 273: If your friend is gone to the restroom for more than five minutes they have been eaten by the toilet. It is your job to rescue them..or laugh, whatever.
Life Lesson Number 274: Foods ending in “ito” are delicious.
Life Lesson Number 275: It’s probably a good idea to have some knowledge of who the enemy is. In combat it’s simple, in life it seems to vary from day to day.
Life Lesson Number 276: Be wary of people who address their parents as “Mother” and “Father.”
Life Lesson Number 277: When in doubt, it’s a trap.
Life Lesson Number 278: Unless your name is Batman, avoid clipping gadgets to your belt.
Life Lesson Number 279: When mooning someone who is four stories up make sure there’s no one on the ground with you, but feel free to show your ass anyway if you’re that brave.
Life Lesson Number 280: Never settle.
Life Lesson Number 281: From time to time you should wear a name tag that says “God” or “Hello! I’m here to save the ducks.” It confuses the fuck out of people.
Life Lesson Number 282: If the President doesn’t have to wear a tie, none of us should.
Life Lesson Number 283: You cannot drown a fish.
Life Lesson Number 284: Once you’ve graduated college, you’re too old to go to a bar with a Jäger shot machine.
Life Lesson Number 285: Always read the fine print. However if you note the fine print and forget about the large print then you’re fucked anyway.
Life Lesson Number 286: A jelly doughnut does not count as a serving of fruit.
Life Lesson Number 287: Chicken soup, although it may be good for the soul and the flu, is not a good cure for drowning.
Life Lesson Number 288: If the bartender is wearing a name tag, you’re in the wrong bar.
Life Lesson Number 289: For best results turn knob, open door, THEN enter.
Life Lesson Number 290: The dog knows it’s not bacon, but it doesn’t care.
Life Lesson Number 291: The next time that you kill someone be sure that they are, in fact, dead. Failure to do so may result in some nasty questions later.
Life Lesson Number 292: If you can’t sing good, sing loud.
Life Lesson Number 293: If someone in a suit offers you a free trip to Afganistan, Isreal, or Palestine..avoid this person at all cost.
Life Lesson Number 294: If the bartender asks you how to make the drink you ordered, go for a beer instead. Bottled.
Life Lesson Number 295: Despite what you may think, you did not invent duct tape..or the internet.
Life Lesson Number 296: Never screw over your partner.
Life Lesson Number 297: Remember your name, this may come up at a later time and you’re going to need to know.
Life Lesson Number 298: Never try to go swimming in a puddle, it makes you look silly
Life Lesson Number 299: On second thought, go ahead and try to swim in a puddle and note people’s expressions.
Life Lesson Number 300: Don’t believe what you’re told. Double check.
Life Lesson Number 301: It’s best not to stand in the rain while you are sick.
Life Lesson Number 302: Never be unreachable.
Life Lesson Number 303: Speak up you moron.
Life Lesson Number 304: The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person – if you must. There is no third best.
Life Lesson Number 305: Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there to see.
Life Lesson Number 306: Never apologize — Its a sign of weakness.
Life Lesson Number 307: No matter where you go, people are people. Unfortunately.
Life Lesson Number 308: Always be specific when you lie.
Life Lesson Number 309: Always be wary of situations in which someone can use something against you due to bad decision-making on your part.
Life Lesson Number 310: Never take anything for granted.
Life Lesson Number 311: It’s always time to make the donuts!
Life Lesson Number 312: Never go anywhere without a knife.
Life Lesson Number 313: When debating, don’t get too bothered by differing opinions, everybody is entitled to their opinion, no matter how moronic.
Life Lesson Number 314: Never, ever involve a lawyer.
Life Lesson Number 315: If you wake up tomorrow…look at the world, as you go about your day, as if you hadn’t woken up, as if this was the day after you were gone.
Life Lesson Number 316: It’s better to seek forgiveness than ask permission.
Life Lesson Number 317: Some things are so very sad, and sometimes, although we go on, and survive, and even laugh… the sadness stays.
Life Lesson Number 318: Never date a coworker.
Life Lesson Number 319: If you ever decide to “pack heat and waste young assholes”, you’ve become a CRAZY old person.
Life Lesson Number 320: There is no such thing as coincidence.
Life Lesson Number 321: Back up all your important computer files on a thumb drive, and keep it in your pocket.
Life Lesson Number 322: If it seems someone is out to get you, they are.
Life Lesson Number 323: Most of the time what you are looking for is right in front of you.
Life Lesson Number 324: First things first. Hide the women and children.
Life Lesson Number 325: You might forget your past, but your past will never forget you.
Life Lesson Number 326: Sometimes — You’re Wrong!
Life Lesson Number 327: Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
Life Lesson Number 328: A slap to the face is an insult — to the back of the head is a wake-up call.
Life Lesson Number 329: Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
Life Lesson Number 330: Even when you know there is nobody there, dark, long hallways are creepy.
Life Lesson Number 331: Don’t have sex with anyone who works in the same office.
Life Lesson Number 332: Monkeys cheat at monopoly.
Life Lesson Number 333: That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot — his name is “Sir,” no matter how young he is.
Life Lesson Number 334: Never try to take apart a computer with a monkey wrench.
Life Lesson Number 335: You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
Life Lesson Number 336: Learn to say “Where is the nude beach?” in at least three languages.
Life Lesson Number 337: Don’t set off firecrackers in your neighbor’s mail boxes. They don’t think it’s funny.
Life Lesson Number 338: There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Life Lesson Number 339: If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Life Lesson Number 340: If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Life Lesson Number 341: It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Life Lesson Number 342: You learn the most when things go wrong.
Life Lesson Number 343: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Life Lesson Number 344: Comfort is dangerous.
Life Lesson Number 345: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
Life Lesson Number 346: Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
Life Lesson Number 347: All medication either cures or causes erectile dysfunction. Some do both.
Life Lesson Number 348: God forbid but, lecturing might actually be the answer.
Life Lesson Number 349: Never stab a person in the back. You’ll miss the look of shock and terror on their face.
Life Lesson Number 350: Always assume sarcasm.
Life Lesson Number 351: Actions speak louder than words, therefore I have learned to speak very, very clearly. –Kristin T. Dillon
Life Lesson Number 352: Sometimes you need a lick on the nose to remind you what’s really important in life.
Life Lesson Number 353: Every time you commit a misdeed, you bring your evil twin one step closer to the side of good.
Life Lesson Number 354: It is unwise to get wasted in the afternoon just to take a 15-minute nap.
Life Lesson Number 355: Never make important life decisions when working in a greenhouse in July in Kentucky.
Life Lesson Number 356: It can get lonely on a planet with approximately 6,000,000,000 people.
Life Lesson Number 357: Violating an outline will not result in being smited from above, below, or at sea level.
Life Lesson Number 358: The general consensus says that overall, life basically sucks, save the one saving grace that if you didn’t have life, you’d be dead.
Life Lesson Number 359: Time is an illusion invented by the Swiss to sell watches.
Life Lesson Number 360: If anyone were to rule the world, it should not be a guy with mismatched socks.
Life Lesson Number 361: If it has the word ‘uber’ in it, it must be good.
Life Lesson Number 362: A good way to feel superior is to ride an elevator where your floor is higher than everyone else’s.
Life Lesson Number 363: Everything will be okay in the morning. Just close your eyes.
Life Lesson Number 364: Our imaginations house our future, our potential, and our ruin. Make sure your imaginary friends are not your enemies.
Life Lesson Number 365: When rating how well something went, the fact that nothing spontaneously caught on fire is a good thing.
Life Lesson Number 366: Talking to yourself is okay. Giving yourself the silent treatment because you’re mad at yourself is not.
Life Lesson Number 367: We live in primitive times, where war comes easy, where most people can’t think for themselves, and few have the balls to try to change things.
Life Lesson Number 368: Never work for just money or for power. They won’t save your soul or build a decent family or help you sleep at night.
Life Lesson Number 369: The only speeches that change your behavior come from doctors.
Life Lesson Number 370: Never get a tattoo from a guy named Nervous Eddie.
Life Lesson Number 371: You simply will not be able to change a person’s opinion on some subjects, and that’s OK, it makes sure there’s always an “Us” and a “Them”, and it’s nice to be able to recognize them.
Life Lesson Number 372: When using a chainsaw, make sure the chain is properly adjusted, make sure you wear safety goggles, and DON’T cut off anything that is attached to YOU.
Life Lesson Number 373: Live. Then die. In that order. No exceptions.
Life Lesson Number 374: If you own Samurai swords, don’t play Samurai warrior with your friends, many an arm has been lost this way.
Life Lesson Number 375: At some point you’ll need to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.
Life Lesson Number 376: Don’t drive like you’ve just escaped from a mental hospital.
Life Lesson Number 377: If you’re really sick with a cough and/or fever, stay in your room, with the door shut and the window cracked open, drink plenty of fluids, and take various medicines or natural cures until you’re better or you die.
Life Lesson Number 378: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Life Lesson Number 379: In the distant future there will be robots with spring-loaded arms with boxing gloves on their hands, and they will roam the streets looking for someone who gives them a wise-ass look or remark, and then they will punch that person.
Life Lesson Number 380: What you say, during your drunken rants, says a LOT about you.
Life Lesson Number 381: If you are prone to “Drunken rants”, you have a PROBLEM.
Life Lesson Number 382: When all is said and done, being alone in life is better than being chased by an axe-wielding maniac.
Life Lesson Number 383: The world could end in the blink of an eye… or it could go on and on and on and on… only Al Gore knows for sure.
Life Lesson Number 384: No matter how sexy your spouse is, at some point you’re going to have to talk with each other.
Life Lesson Number 385: When you are in a bad mood, everyone else is a terrible driver.
Life Lesson Number 386: Don’t get married because you like wedding cake.
Life Lesson Number 387: Real heroes don’t wear a cape and usually know how to wear their underwear.
Life Lesson Number 388: Never hammer nails into an explosive.
Life Lesson Number 389: Two years of therapy is equivalent to an hour talk with the right dog.
Life Lesson Number 390: Defrosting the fridge has never been and will never be a valid source of entertainment.
Life Lesson Number 391: Never round up when guessing someone’s age.
Life Lesson Number 392: Never challenge the accuracy of your fuel gauge. E means empty! There is no empty-ish.
Life Lesson Number 393: Never use obscenities or make rude hand gestures in Bahrain, United Arab Emirates, or Kenya.
Life Lesson Number 394: Never be the one to break the news regarding Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or any other personas with good reputations.
Life Lesson Number 395: Don’t ever feel inclined to tell the truth to total strangers.
Life Lesson Number 396: Don’t accept a package from a stranger at the airport.
Life Lesson Number 397: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Life Lesson Number 398: Assume nothing is mundane; life is automatically more perplexing.
Life Lesson Number 399: No matter how hard you try, you will never see the invisible truck that will run you over in the street.
Life Lesson Number 400: It’s amazing how much you can say without actually saying it.
Life Lesson Number 401: Life doesn’t suck, all the time. Just most of the time.
Life Lesson Number 402: That which does not kill us, makes us want to drink ourselves to death.
Life Lesson Number 403: Keep your doors and windows locked, unless you’re standing next to them with a shotgun.
Life Lesson Number 404: Sometimes you find yourself surrounded by Taco Bell wrappers and cat food coupons and you wonder where your life went terribly wrong.
Life Lesson Number 405: An ‘ex’ is an ex for a GOOD reason… move on.
Life Lesson Number 406: At the center of a black hole, there are probably some really crazy raves.
Life Lesson Number 407: Don’t honk your horn at 6am to let your friend know you’re outside to pick them up. Get out of the fucking car and go up to the door you lazy asshole.
Life Lesson Number 408: Absolut vodka corrupts your alibity to tpye abslotuly.
Life Lesson Number 409: Don’t read things that you know will upset you.
Life Lesson Number 410: There are only two types coffee served at resturants: pond water and diesel fuel.
Life Lesson Number 411: Don’t join any religion that promises you a bunch of virgins, unless you get the virgins up front.
Life Lesson Number 412: The reason Canadians are so nice is because their national animal is the beaver and they’re too distracted thinking of dirty jokes to be mean.
Life Lesson Number 413: Before the shit hits the fan, turn off the fan.
Life Lesson Number 414: Belting out “I Believe I Can Fly” right as the plane takes off is an easy way to enjoy an undisturbed flight.
Life Lesson Number 415: If you are prone to excessive use of irreverent hand gestures, carry a gun.
Life Lesson Number 416: There’s nothing worse than a bad harmonica player. Except maybe a good harmonica player.
Life Lesson Number 417: Control your road rage, shoot a few people before getting on the highway.
Life Lesson Number 418: It’s not a fountain pen so much as a patient blue explosion.
Life Lesson Number 419: Although nobody wants to be reminded of it, yes there are deranged psychopaths watching through your windows at night, there are Wombats, Wolverines, and Vampire Bats out there in the bushes, just waiting… and there IS something evil under your bed. Sorry.
Life Lesson Number 420: Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.
Life Lesson Number 421: If you sell your soul to the Devil think it out, and make the terms of the deal REALLY clear. I’d advise legal advice on this.
Life Lesson Number 422: The number of grocery bags you’re carrying is equal to the number of times you’ll drop your keys. And the number of creative surnames you give Jesus.
Life Lesson Number 423: When you think you are “God’s gift” to anything… think again.
Life Lesson Number 424: NyQuil: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet medicine.
Life Lesson Number 425: You aren’t a HERO if you take a stupid risk and end up dead, you’re a STUPID wanna-be hero.
Life Lesson Number 426: Medical research confirms really good coffee can cure all diseases and disabilities, including death.
Life Lesson Number 427: Don’t yell FIRE! in a room full of firemen, the sudden excretion of all that testosterone could cause an explosion.
Life Lesson Number 428: It’s not a walk of shame if you’re driving.
Life Lesson Number 429: If you find yourself screaming and shouting at your significant other, find another significant other.
Life Lesson Number 430: When you assume that everyone’s an idiot, you’re seldom disappointed. Also, sometimes, you’re pleasantly surprised.
Life Lesson Number 431: Remember when a ‘fag’ was a cigarette, and being ‘gay’ meant you were really happy? Hopefully you’ve changed with the times, or you’ll be really surprised if you tell someone that you’re really happy and ask for a cigarette.
Life Lesson Number 432: If I have to spend 15 minutes trying to figure out if you’re a ghost or a member of the KKK, you need to reevaluate your Halloween costume.
Life Lesson Number 433: The main reason they want you to put your head down between your knees in an impending airplane crash, is so that you don’t SEE what’s about to happen… it isn’t pretty.
Life Lesson Number 434: You can not escape your past. So why not continue to hang out & have sex with it until a hotter future comes along.
Life Lesson Number 435: DO NOT jump out of the boat during the Pirates of the Caribbean ride; three of the pirates are real, and get PISSED OFF when people do that!
Life Lesson Number 436: Death By Irony would be the worst kind of death.
Life Lesson Number 437: Generally, Guardian Angels do a piss poor job.
Life Lesson Number 438: ‘Poker Face’ offers no solid advice to draw upon when I most need it, so I’ll stick with Kenny Rogers, thanks anyway.
Life Lesson Number 439: Never underestimate the power of denial.
Life Lesson Number 440: If I can see your lady flower then yes, it’s too short.
Life Lesson Number 441: If God and the Devil had a fight, the Devil would win. He’d throw sand in God’s face, have a lead weight in his glove, and bring a shotgun.
Life Lesson Number 442: Leaning forward in your vehicle while accelerating, does not make you go faster.
Life Lesson Number 443: You have a little problem if you’re listening to ANY voice that comes from someone perched anywhere on your shoulder.
Life Lesson Number 444: If you ever find yourself being mugged there is no better defense than a well-thrown baby.
Life Lesson Number 445: If you have to pull your pants up with one hand, while capping a round at a rival gang member, you’re saggin way to much homeboy.
Life Lesson Number 446: Before the Internet, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
Life Lesson Number 447: If you’re suicidal, DON’T DO IT! Go be a stuntman, they make a lot of money, are around good-looking women, and men, and you have an edge they don’t have… you’ll do ANYTHING.
Life Lesson Number 448: The second best part about pantslessness is getting to say “pantslessness”.
Life Lesson Number 449: There’s a fine line between spending $14 at dollar margarita happy hour and $3,000 in bail.
Life Lesson Number 450: If there is anything that chicken noodle soup and DayQuil won’t cure, it’s probably like, really serious or something.
Life Lesson Number 451: Don’t stay out in the sun, it turns you red. –Katsumi Peters
Life Lesson Number 452: If it’s better than sex, you’re doing it wrong.
Life Lesson Number 453: Don’t touch road kill.
Life Lesson Number 454: If you ever find yourself standing alone in the kitchen wondering if a grape will fit in your nose, it’s time to get out of the house.
Life Lesson Number 455: Buy a decent paper shredder and shred lots of stuff. It prevents theft of important personal information and is an enjoyable past time as well.
Life Lesson Number 456: If you can fold a fitted sheet, you’re obviously a witch.
Life Lesson Number 457: If you believe everything that’s written in the Bible… you haven’t read it.
Life Lesson Number 458: Disney World Tip- DO NOT introduce yourself to Snow White as the 8th dwarf “Horny.”
Life Lesson Number 459: When all else fails, eat some ice cream. When ice cream doesn’t help, you’re in deep shit.
Life Lesson Number 460: Licking someone is a perfectly acceptable way to say hello, if you are a puppy…
Life Lesson Number 461: Most stuff is common sense. Stop and think about it, you already know what to do.
Life Lesson Number 462: You cannot lie to psychological testing. Well. You can. But it turns out there is a scale for that.
Life Lesson Number 463: Move on.
Life Lesson Number 464: The dollar menu- The best thing to happen…ever.
Life Lesson Number 465: This is it. Don’t save yourself for Heaven.
Life Lesson Number 466: 5 hour energy shot on an empty stomach does to the energy what a shot of tequila on an empty stomach does to the sober.
Life Lesson Number 467: If a masked killer with a knife comes toward you, yell out “I’m going to take that knife away from you and cut off your balls”, then use your hand to motion him to you. Make sure you have a big “Jack Nicholson from the Shining” smile on your face. The killer will most likely leave.
Life Lesson Number 468: “I’m at fucking work and not in the goddamn mood for your shit.” is not the correct way to answer your cellphone.
Life Lesson Number 469: Even though people have fallen in animal cages at the zoo and survived, there’s a pretty good chance that the next person who ends up with the Lions, Bears, or Gorillas will be ripped into little pieces and eaten. So be extra careful at the zoo.
Life Lesson Number 470: Alarm clocks can make the most passive of us fall into a violent rage.Smashing it to pieces is a healthy and cheap way to relieve tension.
Life Lesson Number 471: If you’re having sex with four gorgeous women on a beautiful Pacific island while 100 dollar bills rain gently down from the sky, try to remain calm, keep your eyes closed, and hope you don’t wake up any time soon.
Life Lesson Number 472: The more you hate a job and wish to leave the longer you end up staying put.
Life Lesson Number 473: There hasn’t been a case of rabies in humans for decades in the U.S., but, if you suddenly start foaming at the mouth, and you’ve been French kissing Raccoons, GET TO THE DOCTOR QUICK!
Life Lesson Number 474: Your car will run out of gas where there are no gas stations.
Life Lesson Number 475: It’s not a good idea to agree to be anyone’s “Bitch”. This is especially true when serving time in a Federal Prison.
Life Lesson Number 476: The later you are running, the greater the chance of hitting every red light in your path.
Life Lesson Number 477: If your boyfriend proposes by saying “I want to make you my bitch”, say no, and find a new boyfriend.
Life Lesson Number 478: It’s always the quiet ones that have the two dozen corpses in their basements.
Life Lesson Number 479: It’s not part of the show if Mickey Mouse catches fire and starts screaming.
Life Lesson Number 480: Being told your the nicest guy they know is the kiss of death.
Life Lesson Number 481: No matter how many condoms you use..it’s not “Safe sex” if it involves whips studded with sharp prongs, or any type of ‘near-death experience’.
Life Lesson Number 482: Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain’t.
Life Lesson Number 483: Never keep any animal in your house that could kill you if it wanted to.
Life Lesson Number 484: A love will tell you they love you endlessly. A true love will tell everyone else they love you endlessly despite the embarrassment factor.
Life Lesson Number 485: Normally it’s a BAD idea to go sky diving, but, if you’re old, go for it, if the chute doesn’t open, you didn’t have all much to look forward to anyway.
Life Lesson Number 486: In the eternal battle of the sexes, women are already the winners.
Life Lesson Number 487: “For the rush” is NOT a good enough reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
Life Lesson Number 488: If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Life Lesson Number 489: Conan O’Brian is a lot funnier than either Dave Letterman or Jay Leno.
Life Lesson Number 490: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Life Lesson Number 491: If you’re an ex-con, and you’re worried about going back to prison, DON’T COMMIT ANY MORE CRIMES.
Life Lesson Number 492: An expert is someone with an opinion and a word processor.
Life Lesson Number 493: When dining at Hooters, go ahead and ogle at the waitresses boobs, that’s why they hired that waitress.
Life Lesson Number 494: No degree of acceptance can ever change the facts. Translation- You may come to terms with being screwed, but nevertheless you’re still screwed.
Life Lesson Number 495: Give yourself the benefit of the doubt, but don’t reject the possibility that YOU might be the problem.
Life Lesson Number 496: He who angers you controls you.
Life Lesson Number 497: When practicing with your new blowgun, DO NOT INHALE.
Life Lesson Number 498: A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Life Lesson Number 499: If you’re a member of a religious cult, don’t drink the Koolaid; on second thought, go ahead.
Life Lesson Number 500: Mother nature is a bitch and not an obedient one at that.
Life Lesson Number 501: If you find yourself surrounded by the smiling images of the ‘dear departed’, you’re either dreaming or you’re dead, I suggest trying to wake up, quick.
Life Lesson Number 502: If you respond to any motor vehicle accident call after midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking – somebody is still missing.
Life Lesson Number 503: Unless you are a certified airplane mechanic, DO NOT work on the engine of your airplane.
Life Lesson Number 504: Some moments will make you wish you were constantly being followed by a camera crew.
Life Lesson Number 505: Never date a crack-whore; not even ONE date.
Life Lesson Number 506: If you don’t text the boss back, the boss calls. If you don’t answer the boss’ call, the boss shows up and finds your ass. The boss will not be ignored.
Life Lesson Number 507: Do not, under any circumstance, allow yourself to be tattooed with the numbers 666, just incase.
Life Lesson Number 508: What is important is not what you hear said, it’s what you observe.
Life Lesson Number 509: Don’t fight if you can help it, but if you fight make sure you WIN.
Life Lesson Number 510: There is nothing you can do about the past except keep it there.
Life Lesson Number 511: If you get headaches when you think about all the bodies in your basement, and worry about what do do with all of them, STOP KILLING PEOPLE.
Life Lesson Number 512: Do no harm and leave the world a better place than you found it.
Life Lesson Number 513: There’s actually a part in the Bible where it says “If thine eyes offend thee, pluck them out”. You can ignore that part, it’s bad advice.
Life Lesson Number 514: Beware the anger of a patient man.
Life Lesson Number 515: If you’ve made a really big mistake and someone died because of it, just take responsibility for it, stand up and admit it, then leave town before the police arrive, change your name, and never think about it again.
Life Lesson Number 516: There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It’s been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM-9 AM are disaster calls.
Life Lesson Number 517: Don’t wear rings around machinery with moving parts. You don’t even want to know what can happen.
Life Lesson Number 518: Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.
Life Lesson Number 519: Don’t get in fist fights. If someone wants to fight you, shoot them.
Life Lesson Number 520: A man can’t keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn’t done.
Life Lesson Number 521: Do NOT elect me King, unless you believe that BAD people should be fed to zoo animals.
Life Lesson Number 522: Try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times.
Life Lesson Number 523: Kill em all, let God sort em out.
Life Lesson Number 524: The most identifying trait of humanity is our abilty to be inhumane to one another.
Life Lesson Number 525: DO NOT suspend your body from cables connected to large fish hooks to gain enlightenment, if you sit and meditate long enough you’ll get to the same place, without the blood, pain, scars, and people thinking you are out of your mind.
Life Lesson Number 526: When we make our own misery we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change, because misery is something we know. The misery is comfortable.
Life Lesson Number 527: Don’t do or say anything while intoxicated that you wouldn’t do or say while not intoxicated. Then again, what fun would it be to get intoxicated if you followed that rule? Forget this lesson.
Life Lesson Number 528: If one’s friends do not openly laugh at him, they are not in fact his friends.
Life Lesson Number 529: “Behind every cloud is a silver lining”, and behind every silver lining is a huge fucking rain cloud, just waiting.
Life Lesson Number 530: If dogs talked, one of them would be president by now. Everybody likes dogs.
Life Lesson Number 531: Don’t get a tattoo of a girlfriend or boyfriend’s name, you’ll regret it sooner or later.
Life Lesson Number 532: Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.
Life Lesson Number 533: When feeling suicidal, follow this rule: Do not kill yourself or others.
Life Lesson Number 534: Human beings can always be relied upon to exert, with vigor, their God-given right to be stupid.
Life Lesson Number 535: If driving a fuel truck, DO NOT CRASH.
Life Lesson Number 536: Taking blood, it leaves a mark on you. No matter how it’s done, or how it’s justified, it leaves a mark that goes in deep. Be sure you’re willing to wear that mark before you take the blood.
Life Lesson Number 537: Don’t get too close to a person on fire.
Life Lesson Number 538: When she say “I do.” What she really means is …”I DON’T do that anymore….”
Life Lesson Number 539: If you have to shoot someone, shoot to KILL.
Life Lesson Number 540: Whoever said “Nobody dies wishing they spent more time at the office” … Never owned a strip club.
Life Lesson Number 541: When it comes to risk taking at high altitudes look over the edge first and don’t do it if you see a pile of bodies below.
Life Lesson Number 542: Everyone has a story that ends with “…and then I met my ex.”
Life Lesson Number 543: Stay away from things with lit fuses.
Life Lesson Number 544: A reheated taco is gross.
Life Lesson Number 545: Don’t ever tell someone “I wish you were dead”, just kill them.
Life Lesson Number 546: When surrounded by idiots one must try to remember that murder is still illegal and sarcasm is much more satisfying.
Life Lesson Number 547: Practice the “Stop, Drop, and Roll” procedure ‘before’ you catch fire, once you’re on fire it’s a little late to learn new things.
Life Lesson Number 548: It’s a lot harder to write a paper for a class when you do not own the book.
Life Lesson Number 549: If you’ve had to call the police on your significant other, it’s a SIGN.
Life Lesson Number 550: The art of communication is having the power to recognize how you’re tone and word choice affect the emotions of others.
Life Lesson Number 551: Do not date anyone who has been in prison, especially Martha Stewart.
Life Lesson Number 552: If you’re having a bad day..stop and think about anything you have achieved in your life even if it’s only that you got out of bed this morning.
Life Lesson Number 553: Stay out of dark alleys.
Life Lesson Number 554: Life is hard…it’s even harder when you’re stupid.
Life Lesson Number 555: Don’t taste unknown fluids to see what they are.
Life Lesson Number 556: Newspapers are a great source of public opinion. “The majority of people think….maybe.”
Life Lesson Number 557: If someone in the house owns a gun, don’t play a practical joke by sneaking in a window at night and pretending you’re a burglar; it’s not that funny.
Life Lesson Number 558: You will discover that more and more of the subjects you studied in college are useless, with the exception of abnormal psychology.
Life Lesson Number 559: When playing with bottles of hydrochloric Acid, ask yourself “Why am I playing with bottles of hydrochloric Acid?”
Life Lesson Number 560: Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Life Lesson Number 561: Don’t let a Ferret crawl around in your pants while you’re wearing them.
Life Lesson Number 562: Never hesitate to admit the error of your ways, when under oath in federal court.
Life Lesson Number 563: If all you can think about as you drive is “How the hell did I get in this car, where the hell am I, and what did I just drive over?”, drive to the DMV and give them your license, please.
Life Lesson Number 564: Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments- the part about murder.
Life Lesson Number 565: If you’re about to crash head-on into something, jam it into reverse, turn the wheel sharply to the left until your car spins around 180 degrees, put it back into drive, then step on the gas and drive away quickly in the opposite direction.
Life Lesson Number 566: Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.
Life Lesson Number 567: Don’t trust small children or women with a shotgun.
Life Lesson Number 568: When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.
Life Lesson Number 569: Don’t make friends with anyone who has burned their fingerprints off with acid.
Life Lesson Number 570: When someone says he is “pumped” about something, it usually means he’s about to do something stupid.
Life Lesson Number 571: When crossing the street, always expect a psychotic driver to want you dead.
Life Lesson Number 572: People who use the word “classy” aren’t.
Life Lesson Number 573: Don’t piss off a spitting cobra, or any cobra for that matter.
Life Lesson Number 574: Batman can be a real asshole.
Life Lesson Number 575: Do not offer your soul to Satan in exchange for money
Life Lesson Number 576: Giving away a government issued firearm is a felony, but it’s a thoughtful felony.
Life Lesson Number 577: Do not suck gasoline into your nose through a straw.
Life Lesson Number 578: You can’t please everyone….but it is possible to make ‘em all mad at the same time.
Life Lesson Number 579: Don’t catch fire.
Life Lesson Number 580: If women ran the world, there wouldn’t be any wars, but there would be entire nations that wouldn’t speak to each other.
Life Lesson Number 581: Learn CPR, but remember this, dead people usually STAY DEAD.
Life Lesson Number 582: It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
Life Lesson Number 583: K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple, stupid.)
Life Lesson Number 584: Biologists have determined that, technically speaking, the bumble bee cannot fly. Fortunately, the bumble bee does not believe in biologists. Don’t allow others to impose limitations on you.
Life Lesson Number 585: Don’t feel too bad if you hit a rabbit in the road, there are way too many rabbits, and that one was stupid anyway.
Life Lesson Number 586: French fries taste awesome when dipped in vanilla ice cream.
Life Lesson Number 587: DO NOT under any circumstances eat a live goldfish; unless that goldfish has done something to really PISS YOU OFF.
Life Lesson Number 588: Do not break someone’s face wearing a white shirt. Blood is hard to get out.
Life Lesson Number 589: Relax, don’t worry about it; until it gets really BAD, then, panic.
Life Lesson Number 590: Dipping Cheetos in BBQ sauce is amazing.
Life Lesson Number 591: If you start saying stuff that doesn’t even make sense to you, get some sleep.
Life Lesson Number 592: Look before you leap and leap carefully; better yet avoid leaping, leaping is dangerous.
Life Lesson Number 593: Instead of loving and embracing everyone, since we are all god’s children; accept the possibility that some people are Satan’s children, and steer clear of them.
Life Lesson Number 594: Never leave home without your cell phone, cash, clothing appropriate for the weather, and a loaded pistol.
Life Lesson Number 595: If life gives you lemons you can make lemonade; don’t follow that logic if life gives you nothing but shit.
Life Lesson Number 596: Never put anything ALIVE in your microwave or freezer.
Life Lesson Number 597: If your Grandpa says he’s going to “Slap you to the back side of nowhere”, I imagine you’re in for a good slapin, you’d better run.
Life Lesson Number 598: Don’t provoke Geese.
Life Lesson Number 599: DO NOT let yourself ‘go to hell in a hand basket’. The Devil treats people VERY badly who show up in hand baskets; he just HATES hand baskets!
Life Lesson Number 600: Beware of anyone who asks you to help them cut off their handcuffs.
Life Lesson Number 601: If one of the rituals in your religion involves strapping explosives to yourself, consider another religion.
Life Lesson Number 602: You need to move if you’ve got security bars on your windows and a pit bull.
Life Lesson Number 603: Don’t use any product whose ‘Safety-Seal’ has been replaced by Scotch Tape.
Life Lesson Number 604: Some things can be looked at upside down, and still make sense.
Life Lesson Number 605: If the police yell “FREEZE”, don’t abruptly reach for your waistband.
Life Lesson Number 606: Be careful, be happy, be good to yourself and others, life is precious and we are fragile… and don’t catch fire.
Life Lesson Number 607: When surrounded by dozens of people with weapons, use your laser-vision to melt their weapons. If you don’t have laser-vision, give up.
Life Lesson Number 608: Repeat ” I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. “
Life Lesson Number 609: When spinning until you get dizzy, don’t be near a china cabinet, or a cliff.
Life Lesson Number 610: If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
Life Lesson Number 611: Do not swim in shark-infested waters. As a general rule, don’t swim in waters ‘infested’ with anything.
Life Lesson Number 612: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Life Lesson Number 613: Given all the things you could do in life, don’t decide to collect rattlesnakes.
Life Lesson Number 614: Choosing a FRIEND is definitely a life lesson unto it’s own…one’s quality of life just may be in the hands of those few chosen to be called friend… – Bill Hagy
Life Lesson Number 615: Don’t try to breakup fights, just stand back and watch.
Life Lesson Number 616: Dont put all your eggs in one basket. Inevitably you will drop it. –Beth Zornes
Life Lesson Number 617: Don’t ‘chase down’ any criminal, unless you have a gun and know how to use it.
Life Lesson Number 618: Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Life Lesson Number 619: When tossing grenades, squeeze the handle tight and hold it there, THEN pull the pin, THEN throw. Any other order will meet with less than desirable results.
Life Lesson Number 620: Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
Life Lesson Number 621: If someone is about to bury you alive, do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE NOT TO GET BURIED ALIVE, EVERYTHING! It’s just unpleasant.
Life Lesson Number 622: You can’t fall off the floor.
Life Lesson Number 623: When dealing with complicated machinery such as “Time Machines”, or “Transporter Units”, read the directions CAREFULLY.
Life Lesson Number 624: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Life Lesson Number 625: If your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, ever says that they ‘want you dead’, ‘THAT’ is the moment to leave, and stay gone; or, to kill them first, you choose.
Life Lesson Number 626: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Life Lesson Number 627: Never check the fluid level in your car battery by lighting a match to look down into the little holes.
Life Lesson Number 628: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
Life Lesson Number 629: Do not try to re-create any stunt that has resulted in a fatality in the past.
Life Lesson Number 630: Don’t touch that, you don’t know where it’s been.
Life Lesson Number 631: Don’t piss off your surgeon. Or your tattoo artist.
Life Lesson Number 632: Don’t eat yellow snow.
Life Lesson Number 633: Do not crash your motorcycle when traveling 120+ mph, but definitely drive your motorcycle 120+ mph from time to time.
Life Lesson Number 634: Magic is easy on TV.
Life Lesson Number 635: When in France, tell a Frenchman to go fuck himself.
Life Lesson Number 636: Never vacuum your face.
Life Lesson Number 637: If Alien beings ever invade, don’t say “Take me to your leader”, that’s just asking for trouble.
Life Lesson Number 638: No matter what you have to do, or when you have to do it, there is always time for catnaps.
Life Lesson Number 639: If your significant other cheats on you, make sure it is the LAST time they cheat on you; you could kill them, but I’d advise just leaving them, whatever.
Life Lesson Number 640: Bootcamp is always an option. Behave yourself.
Life Lesson Number 641: Don’t tell your wife about your experiences with “Cheap French whores”, keep that to yourself.
Life Lesson Number 642: If your friends are willing to pay you to do it, it’s a bad idea.
Life Lesson Number 643: When negotiating with prostitutes, don’t ask them if they have any venereal diseases, they’ll just lie.
Life Lesson Number 644: You can be annoying simply by exisiting. (Edit: So can everyone else.)
Life Lesson Number 645: If God controls events here on Earth, he’s doing a shitty job!
Life Lesson Number 646: A person’s name can become worse than the word fuck in church.
Life Lesson Number 647: Ain’t nothin more frightnin than a rabid Possum on fire.
Life Lesson Number 648: There is a reason you call certain people “ghost from your past.” Leave them there.
Life Lesson Number 649: Don’t fuck with snakes.
Life Lesson Number 650: Don’t drink more than you can remember.
Life Lesson Number 651: The colder it is the further away you have to park.
Life Lesson Number 652: If it can go wrong it will and at the worst possible time.
Life Lesson Number 653: Electronics should have a drunk lock.
Life Lesson Number 654: What seems fun at the time…will hurt later.
Life Lesson Number 655: Don’t have drunken phone sex. – Cassie Keet
Life Lesson Number 656: Comment wars are always pointlessly amusing.
Life Lesson Number 657: No matter how good he/she looks, someone somewhere is tired of their bullshit.
Life Lesson Number 658: Graduate students make amazing professors.
Life Lesson Number 659: Someone, somewhere is under the impression that you know what you’re doing.
Life Lesson Number 660: Professors can cancel class right before it starts for their own pure amusement.
Life Lesson Number 661: Never trust anyone recruiting for anything.
Life Lesson Number 662: You shouldn’t take the secret service paintballing.
Life Lesson Number 663: The world doesn’t stop just because you’re sick.
Life Lesson Number 664: You don’t want to arm your enemies. It’s a bad idea.
Life Lesson Number 665: All women are lying, cheating whores until proven otherwise.
Life Lesson Number 666: Just because you have bigger and better weapons doesn’t mean that you’re going to win, but it helps.
Life Lesson Number 667: Too much sleep is just as bad as not enough, maybe worse.
Life Lesson Number 668: If you truly are a moron, don’t worry, eventually someone will tell you.
Life Lesson Number 669: Starting your own private army is illegal.
Life Lesson Number 670: You will always want what you can’t have.
Life Lesson Number 671: From the very beginning you are shoved into a cage. The goal is to escape before you die.
Life Lesson Number 672: Don’t go around spouting off about things you don’t know dick about.
Life Lesson Number 673: Real religion has nothing to do with “God” or “gods.” Real religion comes from within.
Life Lesson Number 674: It’s not just you. We’re all being oppressed.
Life Lesson Number 675: It’s always fun to be out of the country when stupid shit happens back home.
Life Lesson Number 676: History sets the pattern for everything. If you ignore it, you are doomed to repeat it.
Life Lesson Number 678: You can always rationalize your behavior, but your morals won’t always be convinced.
Life Lesson Number 679: You can support the troops without supporting the war.
Life Lesson Number 680: Once we stop labeling people by the color of their skin then we will end racism.
Life Lesson Number 681: If you have some stake in the game you are more likely to fight for the cause.
Life Lesson Number 682: The government is not sitting around trying to figure out how to screw you over. They simply don’t care about you.
Life Lesson Number 683: There is always someone who knows that you should have known better just waiting to tell you “I told you so.”
Life Lesson Number 684: Just because they have a Ph.D. doesn’t mean they know what they’re talking about.
Life Lesson Number 685: Your existence might just be meaningless. Be prepared for that.
Life Lesson Number 686: This is America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We enjoy the concept of majority rules. So, please learn English while we’re still the majority. Thanks.
Life Lesson Number 687: Just because everyone believes it doesn’t make it true.
Life Lesson Number 689: The government doesn’t do anything for you. They do everything for themselves and sometimes you happen to benefit from it.
Life Lesson Number 690: Don’t fuck with snakes, don’t catch fire, and try not to piss off the mob.
Life Lesson Number 691: Most things are about perception.
Life Lesson Number 692: The perfect answer in a Sociology class is “depends” or “both.” I’m also a big fan of “could be.”
Life Lesson Number 693: Context is absolutely everything.
Life Lesson Number 694: On flip flops and tube socks, just don’t.
Life Lesson Number 695: Television is designed to distract us from out actual problems. Grandmother just died? Oh wait! The season finale of Lost is on tonight!
Life Lesson Number 696: The more used to having someone around the more likely you are to miss them.
Life Lesson Number 697: Misdirection is the ultimate weapon.
Life Lesson Number 698: Some people would kill you just to see if their gun is still working.
Life Lesson Number 699: Few things are more dangerous than people in large groups. There’s a reason Batman works alone.
Life Lesson Number 700: Do not call and leave abusive messages on people’s voicemail. It is their phone to answer or not.
Life Lesson Number 701: Two societies must either blend to survive or one must destory the other. They cannot coexist.
Life Lesson Number 702: American troops stand up every day to stupport your right to hate them. So, don’t.
Life Lesson Number 703: If you say shit that the CIA doesn’t like they are probably watching you.
Life Lesson Number 704: The popular way to make a bad situation look better is to compare it to a worse situation.
Life Lesson Number 705: Flying 24,000 miles because you are afraid of the dark is a bit of an overreaction.
Life Lesson Number 706: You should always have someone avalible for a couple of cold ones and a consult.
Life Lesson Number 707: The simple truth will sometimes surprise you.
Life Lesson Number 708: Sometimes you should think inside the box; it’ll save you some time.
Life Lesson Number 709: The police are not usually here to kick your ass, but they aren’t ever here to kiss it.
Life Lesson Number 710: Right now, drinking every night is your duty as a college student. After graduation it’s called alcoholism. Drink up while you still can.
Life Lesson Number 711: You don’t always need a law to get shit done.
Life Lesson Number 712: Starting a letter with “dear sir” just makes you seem like you’re trying to be an asshole.
Life Lesson Number 713: The people who actually know how to run this country are not the people actually running this country.
Life Lesson Number 714: All men are created equal. They’re all assholes.
Life Lesson Number 715: You should really try to avoid sleeping with the enemy. It’s a bad plan.
Life Lesson Number 716: If what I want done will not help you in any way then I’m much less likely to get you to do it for me.
Life Lesson Number 717: The last hour is always the slowest when you’re somewhere you’d rather not be.
Life Lesson Number 718: Worry less about the opinion of others and more about your own.
Life Lesson Number 719: The interesting thing about women is that we need them. Without women there would be no people, real soon.
Life Lesson Number 720: Unconventional warfare is usually the way to go.
Life Lesson Number 721: We learn the most about ourselves when we are completely alone.
Life Lesson Number 722: If you sleep with all your clothes on then you save twenty minues in the morning.
Life Lesson Number 723: There are no answer at the bottom of the bottle. There are, however, more questions.
Life Lesson Number 724: You are only as good as you are on the stand.
Life Lesson Number 725: If you refuse to learn Spanish then you are an asshole, if they refuse to learn English we find them a translator.
Life Lesson Number 726: Obama was elected because they needed a fall guy. If the country turns around and thrives then he’ll be the greatest president since Lincoln. If we continue to fall then guess who gets blamed? The lesson is never run for office unless you like being a big puppet.
Life Lesson Number 727: Stay at home and do the backyard BBQ. It doesn’t matter how cheap plane tickets to the Middle East are.
Life Lesson Number 728: “A People’s History of the United States,” by Howard Zinn. Read it, it will change your perspective.
Life Lesson Number 729: You can identify with more than one religion. It’s perfectly alright.
Life Lesson Number 730: The CIA is always up to something that the general public finds out too late.
Life Lesson Number 731: Death camps should certainly not have gift shops.
Life Lesson Number 732: The connection doesn’t work when you unplug the modem.
Life Lesson Number 733: The jaws of death are best avoided. That’s just common knowledge.
Life Lesson Number 734: If you choose to win then there can be no place for morals in war.
Life Lesson Number 735: You can’t just be pissed off about everything. You’re better off not being pissed off at all.
Life Lesson Number 736: There must always be an enemy.
Life Lesson Number 737: Sometimes its better if you’re not old enough.
Life Lesson Number 738: Don’t do that, not here and not at home.
Life Lesson Number 739: Some things are better forgotten, some people too.
Life Lesson Number 740: Everyone we meet shapes who we become.
Life Lesson Number 741: Just because there’s a uniform model for how to do something doesn’t meant that’s the best way to get it done.
Life Lesson Number 742: If it’s hot, don’t touch it.
Life Lesson Number 743: Everything means something different to someone else.
Life Lesson Number 744: Some professors are clinically insane.
Life Lesson Number 745: Highlighting makes your paper look important or your book look like you actually read it.
Life Lesson Number 746: Remove your foot from your mouth before you try and speak.
Life Lesson Number 747: No one can piss you off like the person who says “you said..”, because no one can piss you off like your can.
Life Lesson Number 748: Don’t join a religious cult or any cult for that matter.
Life Lesson Number 749: Remember what’s important to you.
Life Lesson Number 750: Don’t pop your collar, douchebag.
Life Lesson Number 751:  Don’t make decisions based on assuption, make desicions based on fact and research. Unless you’re lazy, then assume away.
Life Lesson Number 752: Don’t name your dog “Christ Almighty.” That’s just fucked up.
Life Lesson Number 753: I believe in religious freedom, but you cannot be a “catholic baptist.” No, that just doesn’t work.
Life Lesson Number 754: Karma really is a fucking bitch. Don’t be such an asshole.
Life Lesson Number 755: Sleep is a poor substitute for Red Bull.
Life Lesson Number 756: The weater will never listen to you, no matter how much you yell.
Life Lesson Number 757: Sometimes you just got to make shit up as you do it.
Life Lesson Number 758: You’ve got to be pretty damned important to change the way that words are spelled.
Life Lesson Number 759: Trust and faith are seperated by an extremely thin line.
Life Lesson Number 760: Characters rework the plot, the author is merely an instrument to tell the story.
Life Lesson Number 761: Sometimes you see what someone is trying to say, but don’t like the way they said it at all.
Life Lesson Number 762: It’s easy to blame the innocent for the sins of the guilty when they take justice into their own hands.
Life Lesson Number 763: Time has nothing to do with how good a friend is. It just effects how much you know about each other.
Life Lesson Number 764: Don’t wake people up. It pisses them off.
Life Lesson Number 765: Rewriting someone else’s work isn’t easy. It’s better to just write your own.
Life Lesson Number 766: Life is bizarre.
Life Lesson Number 767: Life is good, yet lively sex is bizarrely great. – Joshua Parsons
Life Lesson Number 768: At five o’clock in the morning, everything is a question.
Life Lesson Number 769: Marx is a douchebag. -Joshua Parsons
Life Lesson Number 770: Sex with an ex-wife is always better than sex with a dead fish; however, the latter may be more entertaining to others. -Joshua Parsons
Life Lesson Number 771: One does not need to be a guitar string to be picked on. -Joshua Parsons
Life Lesson Number 772: God made man; Sam Colt made them equal. -Joshua Parsons
Life Lesson Number 773: Do NOT fuck with rabbits.
Life Lesson Number 774: We are reflections of everyone we’ve ever known.
Life Lesson Number 775: If the experiment doesn’t turn out like you want it to then make up a situation where it would have worked. Talk about it and be bitter.
Life Lesson Number 776: It’s okay to stop taking your dreams seriously when giant pink bunnies appear. In fact, it’s advised.
Life Lesson Number 777: There is a difference in talking to someone and talking at them.
Life Lesson Number 778: When a dog is so well behaved that it will not bite you it is not a good idea to shove your arm in it’s mouth and make it bite you.
Life Lesson Number 779: You cannot drink a Mt. Dew that has a lid on it. Especially not if it’s empty.
Life Lesson Number 780: One does not have to be a toilet to be shit on. -Mom
Life Lesson Number 781: To succeed in sports, you have to be smart enough to know it’s a game and dumb enough to think it’s important.
Life Lesson Number 782: In hell, all of your favorite movies have been edited for television.
Life Lesson Number 783: Using spellcheck doesn’t excuse you from proofreading before you click the send button.
Life Lesson Number 784: You’re better off not knowing what a Juggalo is.
Life Lesson Number 785: You don’t do shots of good whiskey.
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