The Onion and their asshattery.

“Congress will now vote for approval of HR8791, the “Homeland Terrorism Preparedness Bill.” Said bill requests emergency response funding, up to and including — ah… I’m sorry this section is classified — ah, dollars to prepare for a national level terrorist attack and or attacks from … [CLASSIFIED]. Funding for first responder personnel and vehicles would be doubled if said attack leads to more than eighty percent of national population being effected by [CLASSIFIED].

This funding shall convene in conjunction with the first attack on [CLASSIFIED], or the first large scale outbreak of [CLASSIFIED], dependent upon which comes first.

Civilian and military units shall be trained in containment and combat of [CLASSIFIED] including irradiated [CLASSIFIED] with possibility of [CLASSIFIED] airborne [CLASSIFIED], [CLASSIFIED] flesh-eating, [CLASSIFIED] and or all of the above in such event as [CLASSIFIED] spewing [CLASSIFIED] escape are released or otherwise become uncontrollable.

Air Force units may also be directed to combat said -pause- [CLASSIFIED] due to their enormous size and other-worldly strengths. Should event occur in urban areas … Jesus … – long pause – ah … that’s classified… far surpassing our darkest nightmares. Should casualties exceed [CLASSIFIED] body disposal actions shall be halted and associated resources shall be reallocated through [CLASSIFIED] underground [CLASSIFIED] protected birthing centers. -ah- New Bill of Rights shall drafted and approved by [CLASSIFIED].”